The next three behaviors I will discuss have a lot to do with the way you choose to hold space with others. When I speak of holding space: boundaries, comply, and reactive are ways we interconnect. By recognizing these behaviors, you can exchange them for their healthier counterparts, and grow new habits that offer deeper relationships with others and with yourself.
Boundaries is a word that is thrown around in our world with very little direction of what a boundary is and how to form them. Healthy boundaries might seem rigid for a codependent, because we oscillate from being strict to having no rules, to demanding boundaries and having none, and build up resentment because of the whole process.
I want to offer instead of making a list of your boundaries that you begin by developing the character trait of Integrity. What thought do you find yourself having when you hear the word integrity? How do you see yourself showing up in the world when you use integrity as your compass? When you come from integrity you are making decisions based on your principles and values rather than comparing yourself to others. Integrity is doing what you view as right regardless of what others might think, say, or do.
As a society, it is important that we communicate. We are communicating who we are through our actions even sometimes without saying a word. That is why for a codependent I want to use the word Comply as the description for our communication skills. Since we don’t know what we really want we just comply, even if later we feel resentment for not speaking up. I want to offer that instead of complying you can choose to decide. What thoughts come to your mind when you think of making a decision? I know growing from comply to decisiveness is a big jump so I want to offer that you can say things like “I am becoming decisive in my responses” or “It is possible that I can make a decision that benefits me.” When you choose to make decisions, you are cultivating your power that can help you become a more confident communicator.
When we are not clear on our boundaries and we choose to comply, then act in a reactive manner instead of listening to our loved ones. We respond with jabs and poor word choice and get into a defensive mind trap. Being reactive means we are not listening to the other person, or we are projecting our thoughts onto others. Choosing instead to show up with self-discipline will enhance your communications. you will begin to be less reactive and show up in ways that you are not trying to “prove” or “explain” anything. Being self-disciplined, you will have little need to raise your voice to get your point across, instead, you are open and receptive. Self- discipline allows you to take care of yourself as you allow others to show up any way they see fit.
As you work on replacing boundaries for Integrity, complying to decision making, and reactive to self-discipline your relationships will start to have more meaning to them. Try finding actions that you could see yourself taking when you are displaying these new behaviors. Communication is important and the clearer you become, the more you will be open to let relationships play out as they will. Developing Integrity, decision making, and self-discipline as character traits, and integrating them into who you are will slowly change the way you see relationships.
Learning to believe that the impossible is possible is just the beginning. As your coach, I can help you transform these traits into the inevitable you, and as you struggle in your growth, I will be right beside you. If you are ready to enhance your relationships, then let’s schedule your coaching consult today.