Tender Emotions can be Warning Signals when Viewing from the Eyes of Courage

Tender Emotions can be Warning Signals when Viewing from the Eyes of Courage

photograph of empty swings between trees

Swinging from one side all the way to the opposite side of an emotional pendulum can be exhausting. One moment you are completely happy and the next you are angry and feel threatened. Having patterns like this, it is easy to see why someone struggling with Co-Dependency thinks they are broken.

Having Tender Emotions can seem like a no-solution problem, but as you begin to connect the dots of your thoughts to your emotions you can make sense of them. Viewing your emotions as a warning signal instead of being at the mercy to them might help you to decrease the pendulum swing. 

In order to view emotions as signals, you will need to take on Courage. Gaining courage is a Leading lady behavior and one that will serve you well. Transforming the Co-dependent behavior of tender emotions, you can look at the signals your body is giving you and view it as informational data.  Detaching from it will take courage as it will require you to look at your part in any equation as you step away from a victim, hero, or villain role, and step into courage. To learn more about the emotional triad of Hero, Villain, and Victim check out my blog on it here.

Just like everything else, learning new behaviors is a one-step-at-a-time process. A tool I use when coaching clients and to help them see their thinking is “The Model.” The Model is a formula used to view your current thinking and help you create new thinking that might be more useful.

Using The Model formula, I want to share the first three steps as they pertain to this blog:

  • “C” is for Circumstance: What are the facts? Write down only the facts about the situation you are in.
  • T” is for Thought: What are the thoughts you have about the circumstance & what are your reactions to it?
  • F” is for Feelings: What are the feelings you are experiencing from the thoughts you are having?

This very basic beginning to the model is what will help you most as you learn to gain courage. Separating out the Circumstance from your Feelings as you notice your Thinking can help you see you don’t have to be at the mercy of your emotions. It is easy to see how we attach feelings we experience to what someone said or did. Beginning to see that we have a choice and that there can be many different responses to any given scenario, can show you that you are not broken. In fact, you are far from broken.

person carrying blue rucksack backpack on wod

What a beautiful gift courage is, as it can open you up to endless possibilities as it begins to show you that you are not stronger than you think, but you can think yourself stronger than you are. Gaining this insight also means being willing to see our part in any given circumstance.

As we open up to the possibilities, you might see that there was some truth in what they said about you. Seeing the truth in what someone said or did does not mean that you are not standing up for yourself. In fact, it can show quite the opposite. I would say that seeing your part is portraying humility with courage as you don’t see yourself as a victim, but as the victor for showing you are open to growth.

If this information resonated with you, schedule your free discovery coach call here.  With me, coaching one-on-one will show you how to apply all I discuss to your life, taking the relationships you’re struggling with from a liability to an asset.   

Put down Your Superhero Cape and pick up Your Budha Robe

Put down Your Superhero Cape and pick up Your Budha Robe

mother carrying baby

When it comes to putting other people first Co-Dependents are truly masters. I can recall doing things for others that I would have never done for myself. In my mind I saw these acts as being selfless, yet the fall out of my behavior after the fact was what showed me that I was not being as selfless as I thought.

Caring for others that are unable to care for themselves is a beautiful act of love. We care for our children and are rewarded for it in their smiles, hugs, and visible joy of just being with us.  The problem can arrive as they get older and we begin to hold expectations of them because of the acts we perform for them. This is where placing guilt on them, and/or portraying a victim-like mentality can unfold as you are grasping to keep hold of your loved one.

There are other relationships where this can unfold such as older parents, siblings, co-workers, friends, and spouses, to name a few. Like I mentioned above, being a Caretaker is a beautiful thing, yet holding resentment and hurt feelings due to your expectations of being rewarded, or even acknowledged might not be useful behavior to grab hold of.

When our focus is on the doing and keeping up a certain facade, we can burn out our batteries long before recharge. The Co-Dependent behavior of being a Caretaker is exhausting, but we can exchange it for the Leading Lady behavior of Responsibility. This behavior exchange can be a challenging one depending on how long the caretaking has been going on. Those you have been caretaking for could feel abandoned and possibly try to manipulate you.

woman holding on brown wooden plank

Even though there might be obstacles, I want to show it will be a blessing to you—and them—as you follow through in creating this new behavior. The old maxims of “You can’t give to others what you don’t have” or “How do you fill up someone’s cup when yours is empty?” are great reminders of why you might want to meet your needs first. Figuring out what you are responsible for could be painful as you think you are neglecting others. This is an opportunity for you to look within and ask yourself, “Is doing _____ going to make myself feel good now and later, regardless of their response and actions?”

Here are a few more questions you can ask yourself as you engage in the behavior of taking responsibility for your actions and not for others:    

  • Can they do it themselves?
  • What support would they need to do it themselves?
  • How is this my problem, or is it theirs to figure out?
  • If I help them will I see it as me doing it for them, being the hero, or see it as me assisting them, being a supporter?

The clearer you can be with yourself, and form awareness around what is yours to handle, the more opportunity you are giving the other person to improve their self-esteem and awareness…and, over time, appreciation for their situation in life.

Helping other people is a blessing that you give yourself and others. There are times in life where things are out of your control. However, the way you respond as you contemplate and decide the best action to take can give you peace of mind. Most times the chaos from caretaking appears not at the beginning but as you live a life of quick decisions, instant gratification, and trying to control others.

Schedule your free discovery call here and let’s explore this together.  

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