If you’ve ever played hide and seek you can relate to the feeling of hiding and being afraid of discovery. You experienced it as you crouched in a closet trying to hide from the one seeking you. Your heart was racing as you sat, waiting, terrified of being found. It is this fear that kept us quiet and hiding. When we Comply in relationships, it is a form of hiding who we are. Focusing on someone else and their ideas could make it easier for us to never be at fault. By focusing on others and complying all the time we might be avoiding Unconfutable feelings around our thoughts about our shortcomings we see as faults.
Fear is a huge motivator for hiding and building the habit of complying. But, what is it we fear? We fear looking stupid, not being liked, being ridiculed, and we fear failing. This generates high anxiety and we unconsciously choose to focus the blame on others to continue hiding. Even knowing all this, we are not motivated to change because it would be too uncomfortable. I would like to suggest it is the hiding that we should be afraid of, not our faults.
By being present and acknowledging why we are choosing unconsciously to be “other focused” instead of hiding and complying, we can learn to be Decisive. Instead of being the child that is hiding, we can take on the role of the Seeker and be decisive. Like a child seeking the person hiding as they determinedly search looking in every closet under every bed and not afraid but actually excited. You too can look forward to the end goal of finding decisiveness and enjoy the steps you will need to take to generate decisiveness as a behavior that you experience on a regular.
One step you can take as you begin to be decisive is identifying when you are complying and ask yourself, “What do I really want to say and why am I not saying it?” Another question you could ask is, “What is the worst that could happen?”
Becoming clear on your motives is a key component when it comes to showing up decisively. Being decisive is not permission to be bossy or bitchy; when we choose such behaviors, it is because we think we have to prove, justify, or explain. Allow yourself to feel new emotions, get things wrong, and be misunderstood. Deciding to believe that your unique input is as important as anyone else’s and expressing it in a respectful and dignified manner will generate emotions of self-confidence and provide the encouragement you need to keep growing.
Working towards the awareness of wanting to be more decisive is an attempt that is not only healthy for you emotionally, but physically as well. Cultivating a Leading Lady behavior like Decisiveness can bring your soul peace, however, maintaining the balance can be tricky. Holding space for my clients as they walk this tightrope is what I do. Ready to grow and change your relationships? Let’s get on a discovery call today and show you some clarity.
Can you remember a time when you have experienced self-discovery either as an adult or a child, and how accomplished you felt that you figured it out? When we try to control others’ lives we are taking away their self-discovery process. This will not only diminish their experience but yours in turn.
Gaining Self-Awareness of what we can control helps us keep and have loving relationships with people in our lives. When we begin to think such thoughts as, “I have to do this, or it won’t be done correctly” or “this is the right way to do it,” we might not be giving others the space to develop skills, grow in confidence or simply show we believe they are capable. Asking yourself, “does it have to be done” and “is there another way to do this?” or “can I give it to someone else?” may help you learn—over time—to let things go.
Cultivating a life of self-awareness is a wonderful Leading lady behavior that you can exchange for the co-dependent behaviors of wanting to control everything. Many are unaware when they are portraying control behaviors as they proclaim that it is not themselves but others who are trying to control things.
Since it is a behavior we easily identify in others and don’t see it in ourselves it can be a tricky one to detect. Having a sense of control in our lives is something I think we humans gravitate toward. The truth is that everything outside of you—when it comes to everyday life— is out of your control. A question worth asking yourself when you are feeling out of control might be, “what is my part in this, and how do I want to respond to it.”
Being human, we not only desire a sense of control but also answers. Telling someone how to do simple tasks or wanting them to do it your way and becoming angry because they don’t, may indicate you are trying to control the situation.
Behaving passive-aggressively is another kind of controlling behavior. Asking a loved one the question,” Why don’t you love me,” or saying, “you don’t love me anymore,” or even, “you’re not mad at me are you?” are leading questions with hidden undertones. Indirect questions like these are a way for co-dependents to manipulate the relationship. It’s not necessarily on purpose but more to do with the fact we are insecure, and so we look for validation outside of ourselves.
Controlling behavior can look like nagging, thinking you have the answers, and passive-aggressive speaking. Look for these in your day to day living and become aware of how you respond in situations, how you talk to yourself, and the effort you give. Holding space for yourself will help you as you grow in letting go of control and embracing your own Self-Awareness.
Creating Self-Awareness and allowing yourself to observe your own behavior can be disheartening at first, but as you hold compassion for yourself it will slowly become liberating. Remember, you are your own worst critic. If any of the examples I explored in this blog resonates with you, schedule your discovery coach call. It’s a great way to see what coaching with me is all about. Here is the link to get started and discover what is possible. http://www.angeladryden.com/contact-angela/
Having moments of low self-esteem is a thought I would assume most people have experienced at one time or another in their life. Growing one’s self-esteem usually begins in childhood. As you attempt to perform tasks you have never done before, such as learning your alphabet, your numbers, and how to read, all these attempts in such tasks can help you gain self-esteem in your abilities. Then how do we exchange having low self-esteem in your abilities for having confidence in your self-worth?
I think the idea of having low self-esteem became associated with our ability to perform a task such as, “I can’t read therefore I am dumb”. Whether you can or cannot read doesn’t make you more worthy as a person; the skills you obtain through trial and error will not increase your worthiness. Being able to read is an ability you gained to increase your personal value, and a person with value is not the same as a person of self-worth.
Low self-esteem is a co-dependent behavior that can wreak havoc on your relationships, the emphasis being that self-esteem is developed through doing and adding value. When we exchange it for self-confidence and learn to see ourselves as being 100% worthy without adding anything, we are choosing to grow from a place of abundance as we are not trying to add what we think is missing. Self- confidence isn’t the acquiring of knowledge, it is the gaining of self-realization.
There are many quotes that might be giving us ladies even more confusion when it comes to worthiness vs value. They are two sides of the same coin. One side of the coin is embracing who you are and being confident in your self-worth. The other side is growing into what you want to become through improvement and adding value. There is no need to argue that one is more important than the other when they are both important from different perspectives. In other words, they are not competing factors but complementary.
One of the best definitions of self-confidence I learned in my certified training to be a Life Coach was that it doesn’t come from anything external; it is being present and experiencing all the emotions with the understanding that you can handle them. This means, you can’t fix yourself by improving a skill, the fact is you don’t need to be fixed, this is you being present with your self-worth.
You don’t have to change if you love where you are, but you can love where you are and choose to change. When I am working with a client and they really begin to embrace this concept it’s as if they found the key to unlocking a door they have always had access to.
Embracing the opportunity to experience all emotions one must be willing to put yourself out into the world with all its perceptions. Being able to see all sides and view things from a point of not needing to change yourself but fully accepting you can when you want to change your value knowing you are already 100% worthy.
People-pleasing in its most simple form is agreeing with others when you don’t really agree, saying yes when you want to say no, and apologizing when you did nothing wrong. So, if we know people-pleasing is not a healthy behavior to build long-term relationships, because you’ll lose yourself when doing it, then why do we do it?
One reason why we do it is that we don’t want confrontation. This most likely started at a very young age. Maybe hearing the words “be a good kid,” or “go apologize, you hurt their feelings” could have created the crux to unhealthy relationships, as we didn’t learn how to give others space to express their emotions.
Even though avoiding confrontation might seem like a way to fix things, suppressing emotions, like anger can make it fester inside and grow, until it erupts. As a Life Coach, and one that loves working with Co-Dependent ladies, this behavior can be tackled by uncovering why you don’t want someone to be upset. After you have done that, then you can begin exploring what emotion you need to meet for yourself, so you can be present while others express themselves.
Transforming the behavior as a People Pleaser to a Peace Maker is quite the journey. Practicing the communication skill Listening will be the most effective tool during this process. There won’t be any magical moment where you just stop reacting and thinks are all songs and posies wherever you go. The truth is you will struggle, you will want to slip back into old behaviors, and it will take a tremendous amount of patience and growth on your part. Becoming a peacemaker could mean you are going it alone with little to no support around you.
I believe the answer could be as simple as Listening. It would be hard to actually pinpoint when as a society we began to put so much emphasis on the need to have people always agree with one another, yet at the same time, hold the opinion that anyone can do as they please. One group is asking for acceptance and tolerance, the other group is asking for the same thing but maybe in a different way. Yet neither side is understanding because they aren’t really listening.
Developing this behavior happens when you interact in situations that you might have avoided before. You don’t engage because you have the answers, you engage in the conversation because you are seeking the answers. Choosing to hold space for someone can generate peace within from the awareness that you are creating more compassionate and true relationships. Learning what unconditional love could feel like as you disagree with someone and end the conversation by saying, “I enjoyed hearing how you see it, thank you”.
Respect for yourself and treating others with dignity is an important part of being a peacemaker. Be aware that people misunderstand others’ intent quite a lot. Instead of saying, “I didn’t mean that, I am sorry,” you could say, “I can see you’re upset, and you disagree with me, would you share how you see it?” Being honest sometimes seems like a lost art form but knowing you don’t need to People Please and can show up in a respectful manner as a Peacemaker, instead, means being your true, authentic self.